#51

once more unto the feet

if you’re wondering where i’ve been? well i’ve been deep undercover, getting back to basics and doing the kind of hard-hitting investigation that made this newsletter into a must-read for five to seven people, depending on the edition. it hasn’t been easy. i’ve lurked, crept, and sniffed around for leads. i spent upwards of ten minutes watching declassified footage online (that’s not even counting the thirty seconds of home solar ads i couldn’t skip). i dedicated myself body and soul to following in the footsteps of cryptids, one of whom is actually best known for its footsteps, and for the feet with which it steps. yes - for this special fifty-first issue we are taking a close look at the bigfoot itself. and readers? please be advised, that like r/bigfoot, this newsletter operates from the perspective of "sasquatch are real." here follows a sensorial exploration of our large furry friend to the north.

on the subject of feet, wiki and otherwise:
the primary thing to assess in any discussion about the bigfoot is how big these feet really are. and in fact, the range of regular size is wide, and subject to cultural differences. for example: my own are a size US11.5, which i would call "not worth mockery," but which were nevertheless once the subject of mockery at a department store in the ginza shopping district. on the other hand, nicole snooki pilozzi is said to wear a size UK3, which i would describe as "eensy weensy," but which were still large enough to give her the fortitude to anonymously inform on ron. and on a third hand, borrowed from a nearby stranger for the continuation of this framing device, shaquille o'neal once claimed to wear a size US22, yet has since admitted he's actually a US20. i would describe him as a "big boy," but is he a "bigfoot"? well in fact, according to skip prince, commenting on a 2017 facebook post by the south bend indiana fox affiliate wsbt-tv, bigfoot wears "same as shaq." but is that shaq's official size, or his admitted downgrade? skip has unfortunately since passed, and his facebook "in memory" page was unable to be reached for comment as of press time. but i think we can safely agree on size 20 or larger as a baseline for bigfoot's big feet.

a sasquatch by any other name:
one person's account actually describes their fragrance as in their top five worst smells. i find this questionable, however, and possibly born out of bigotry. you have to think there are at least five pairs of well-worn toms that smell worse than bigfoot, and add that to an expired erewhon broccoli slaw? that's six worse smells already. we need to account for the possibility, too, that this account came from someone with senses dulled by living and working on a lavender farm, and that bigfoot actually smells incredible - a combination of petrichor, jasmine, and fresh crayons. well, who knows!

it tastes like chicken, or does it?:
though i remain a committed vegetarian, i was still curious to learn that the bigfoot has a "huge malt flavor" and "bracing bitterness." however, just before press time it came to this editor's attention that this was a description of an alcoholic beverage named after bigfoot, and not a characterization of said creature's flesh. in fact, although many have claimed to encounter the beast, none have claimed to touch its mysterious being, much less take the time to make a hearty stew out of it and some root vegetables.

another investigation in the books
so what's bigfoot's deal anyway? we know that it's shy of people, which it should really work through with a reputable therapist. we know it lives in the woods, so it probably likes watching alone and reading thoreau. and we know that at least one bigfoot learned to coexist with humanity and become john lithgow. that last fact, in fact, gives us hope for the rest of the bigfoot species. it's possible that future generations of americans will have a bigfoot in every household. imagine your children's children's children asking bigfoot to play chopsticks on the piano, or playing "this big piggy" with its toes.

maybe i'm just a dreamer, with my head in the clouds. but if we all stood on the shoulders of a bigfoot, our heads could touch the clouds no problem, i bet. and wouldn't that be nice?