#53
turkeys all the way down
it’s recently come to my attention that we are in the midst of the holiday shopping season.
“why recently?” you might ask (aware of the ever-growing seasonal shopping encroachment upon the remainder of the calendar (a slap in the face to dozens of saints who have had their feast days overtaken, (not the least of which is st. gaspar del bufalo, the foremost missionary of the precious blood))). but the answer is simply that no matter how hard i look, i can’t seem to find a single guide to shopping for holiday gifts. how are we to make informed decisions as consumers, on behalf of our fellow consumers, without an editorial feature to lead the way?
in light of this complete and total absence of gift guides, which i assume have just shadowbanned me for being too influential, i have decided to publish the first annual browsing history gift guide, sure to impress and delight gift recipients of all sorts, from ages one to ninety-two. i understand that you may wish to thank me profusely for this essential service, and you are welcome to do so. adulation is always accepted!
the browsing history holiday gift guide
hirohito and the making of modern japan, by herbert p. bix: imagine junior’s joy to find this astonishing account of a japan in transition. imagine junior slack-jawed in awe at the riches uncovered by bix as he reveals behind-the-scenes anecdotes and declassified historical documents throughout each of the 880 pages. imagine junior so inspired that she works day and night to solve the mysteries of time travel, using her invention to experience the shōwa era firsthand. attagirl, junior!
fully loaded gift card to the nordstrom e-bar: must all soda contain caffeine? is not syrup the greatest of the states of matter? do androids dream of electric sheep? dear uncle will be sure to answer all of these questions and more after unwrapping the key to palate pleasure: strawberry italian sodas from the department store-branded cafe at his nearest upscale shopping center.
all free & clear for sensitive skin liquid detergent, 128 oz: i was in line at the post office the other day and overheard a conversation between a trump voter and a harris voter. dear reader, what i heard that day shook me to my core - both people admitted to using wash-and-fold services for their clothes. it is this author’s deeply felt belief that doing laundry is a basic human right, and i will not be gaslit into thinking otherwise. how hollow must life be without washing, drying, and folding to occupy all of one’s spare time! it’s no wonder our wayward youth have turned to mining crafts and ticking tocks to fill their idle hours. a hefty tub of clothing cleanser is just the ticket to wake up those poor, poor sheeple.
tootsie pops, 48 count: the gift that keeps on theoretically giving, as collecting wrappers with an arrow & star graphic allows one to exchange the used packaging for another tootsie pop, in the imagination of an elementary school child.
titanium hammer: they say that when you have a hammer, every problem starts to look like a nail, which is just the kind of quick fix any gift recipient would be glad to have. accidentally tore the spout of the orange juice carton when opening it? crushing student loan debt? nihilism in the face of certain ecological doom? how easy life would be if these problems simply turned into nails, and you already had a trusty hammer on hand to drive them into a scrap of 2x4.
happy shopping!